I just finished watching both of Oprah’s Life Class’s on Single moms, and though I was disappointed I wasn’t one of those chosen to be in the audience for the show, I was so grateful to her for doing it. The first show blew me away… all these mom’s in one room verbalizing the exact thing’s I’ve been feeling and experiencing for the last five years. It was honest to god the first time I’ve heard other woman say those things, and I cried watching it, because for the first time EVER I didn’t feel alone. I know it sounds crazy but unless you are a *single mom, there is just no way for you to relate to what we face on a daily basis. This is not “poor me” it’s just the reality we live in. I was married with three kids for almost nine years, so I believe I can speak from both sides of the coin. And trust me when I say; doing it alone and unmarried is not even in the same league, as doing it married or with a partner.

It was the first time I’d heard other woman say they deal with judgment from friends, family and the world at large for parenting alone. I swear I thought it was just me! And the first time I heard women cry because they are constantly beating themselves up about every little thing, and dealing with the intense isolation that makes you think you are losing your mind. And I heard Oprah say… Forgive yourself, because you are allowed to make a mistake. That one knocked the wind out of me. Because for whatever reason, that one is huge!  You really feel like you are not afforded the opportunity to make mistakes as a single mom.  Maybe because we have a different relationship with our kids, one where the line between parent and child is very blurred, and where the children are very aware of what goes on in their mom’s life, mostly because mom has no one to talk to on a daily basis but her kids. So decisions that would normally not involve children, or ones where they would normally be unaware of, now are a joint family decision. And when you fail there is no covering it up. There is no way that your kids aren’t involved in watching that failure, and sharing in that disappointment. The buffer zone does not exist. So we hold ourselves to this ridiculous standard where to shield our kids from our mistakes we go the extra mile to try not to make them, all the while making them of course, but just submerged in total self-loathing when we do. There is no one to say “it’s okay, you did the best you could, everything will be fine.” And because of that you never forgive yourself, you never stop questioning every little decision.

There was a comment made however that did not sit well with me, one Iyanla Vanzant (whom I totally love) made when asked why so many single mothers complained about feeling judged. She turned it back to the mom, saying what are you feeling about yourself that you perceive people are judging you? And though I get and understand that physiology and normally agree with about everything Iyanla says, this one I don’t.  By saying that, she invalidated one of our biggest issues we face a single moms, one that the overwhelming majority in that room complained of as well. It’s NOT all in our head. It’s not just us feeling inadequate, then thinking people judge us. PEOPLE ACTUALLY JUDGE US all the damn time!

I used to be very close to my siblings and parents, until after my divorce. Once I became a single mom my family was so full of judgment, suddenly everything I was doing was wrong and they questioned every move I made. Even though I was the same mother to my kids who they had always said before was doing an amazing job. But now there was not buffer zone, no husband or marriage to “not intrude on”, I was fair game, and they all eventually turned their back on me. They couldn’t relate to me as a single mom. They had their ideas of how I should do things and felt their opinion was equal to my own. As a result I have basically no relationship with my family and haven’t for several years. So not only did my kids lose their father, they lost their grandparents and aunt and uncle as well.

Judgment is real, and we face it every day. The only way I’ve been able to combat it, or keep it from destroying me, is to rise above and try to redefine the term “single mom”, and break the stereotypes. Prove to people I’m “not that single mom”. It’s a driving force in my life on a daily basis. It’s entirely possible that all that judgment and “hatin'” is what’s driven me to succeed, so for that I am grateful.  Wherever motivation comes from to succeed, even if it’s just to prove people wrong, is just fine in my book!

A perfect example of this was my girls kindergarten teacher in Washington.  From the start of the year I noticed that she would single out the girls and punish them for things non of the other kids would even be reprimanded for (asking to use the bathroom, their coat falling off the peg to the floor when they were seated at their desk, stuff that was just totally insane). She would keep them inside for recess because she didn’t like the shoes they wore that day, the list went on and on. Things got so bad she even tried to fail them! Mind you they were in kindergarten and were learning at or above their grade level. My last straw was at our first parent conference when my suspension was proven that she really did have an attitude with me (though we’d only at school functions) and my girls (who anyone who’s ever watched or been around them will say they are really well-behaved girls). At the conference she imminently began speaking so negatively about the girls in front of them, that I knew this was not a situation the girls could continue to be exposed to. I called a meeting with the principle and a mediator to try to understand what her problem was with my family.

When we sat down at the meeting her anger was visible, she clearly had a vendetta against me and my daughters.  When I asked her what the issue was she unleashed and in front of the school mediator and principle basically said that a single mom who works full-time can not be a good parent too. It was so unbelievably shocking. To have had my daughters judged to the point where their grades were effected (she actually copy and pasted the girls grades to each report card. Even the comments were exactly the same), all because she had some type of prejudiced against single moms.  It’s not something we make up that people around us are constantly judging us and our children, it is very, very real.  My girls were moved into two separate classes after that and did amazing, and finally started loving school instead of being afraid to go.

Today was another example, I took my kids to OMSI (science museum) in Portland and tried to buy a “family membership” the woman at the counter took my completed application and noticed the spot for “adult #2” was blank.  She looked at me (my kids leaning on the counter standing next to me looking at us both), and said; “you need a second adult to qualify for a family membership”. I thought she was kidding. I wasn’t complaining that I had to pay a membership that included 2 adults when I only had one (you’d think a discount would apply) I was simply trying to pay for the “family pass”.  But apparently our “family” did not qualify.  I was shocked and appalled.  “You can put down someone else, a family member” she tells me as if that’s any better. So I’m standing there with my kids, them all looking at me like “what’s wrong mama? What did we do?” And I’ve got no one to put down. No family. No friends that would ever be taking my kids to this thing. I don’t qualify.  Now not only are we not a “family” according to their definition, we are extra pathetic because I have no one to write down on a stupid form. Yes we are alone, but we don’t need constant insensitive reminders.

So no, it’s  not just in our heads. It’s real and we face awkward moments like that all the time.

The other thing Iyanla said in the second show that I can’t get behind is that single moms should allow the men they date into their kids lives, to meet them even when it’s a new relationship.  And what I, and other good single moms who don’t do that, worry about is we don’t want our kids getting attached to random men who don’t stick around. And her response was “don’t your girlfriends leave? Why shouldn’t guys just be people?” I gotta say this was shocking to me.  They aren’t “just people” they are men who at the end of the day are more interested in you than your kids and who want to “date you” and when things don’t work out they are gone for good. You can still occasionally see a girlfriend or a family member that you’re no longer close to, it’s not that way with men. I’m not saying this as the bitter old chick, who thinks all men are pigs, I don’t. But I do know dating, with or without kids is something that can last a month, a few months or longer, but why bring your kids into all that mess? Why? What’s the point of that? It makes no sense to me at all. If you feel like he’s “the one” than yeah, that’s different. But come on now. That’s one of the single mom stereotypes I have tried hardest to never get stuck with, because that’s not me. And yes I’m sure there is a balance (in 5 years being single, no guy I’ve dated has met my kids) which I’m realizing I should probably find, but still… I’m never gonna be one of those woman who has men rotating in and out of my kids lives. I’d rather be happily single!

But I am so grateful to Life Class for bringing this topic up and opening this discussion, because we do feel so alone.  And it was amazing to at least for a minute feel “normal” like I’m not crazy to feel this way, and that there are millions of us out there silently facing this struggle and trying to turn it into a blessing. I’m excited to see Tylor Perry’s movie Single Mom’s Club, I’m really hoping it portrays us in a positive light and shows our struggles in a realistic way. I think we need more avenues like this, we need more support and a sense of community for those of us who don’t have one.

I salute all you hard-working single parents out there, who are doing it without support or help and who are dedicated loving parents.  It’s not easy, but damn I wouldn’t change a thing about my experience, struggle and all. At the end of the day I’m a very blessed mama.

 *to all you single dad’s out there, don’t get offended by my use of “single-mom” it can very well mean single parent…. obviously all I can speak to and know anything about is the “mom” part.

Sarah Centrella is the author of the book Hustle Believe Receive which teaches you how to apply the #HBRMethod to change your life and live your dream.

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It took me a long time to accept, and figure out what the label single mom, meant for me after my husband left. I knew what it meant to be a “wife” and a “mother”, but I had no idea how to be a “single mom.”  And to my shock, I realized quickly that the perception of a single mom is totally different than that of a married mom.

Suddenly it was like I was no longer part of the “mom” club, somehow overnight I’d become less of a parent and a less qualified mother.  But my married mom friends would say things like “Oh I totally understand, my husband travels all the time and never helps around the house, I’m basically a single mom too.” And I’d think; I pray you are never in my shoes, because you’d not last a day. The two are in no way comparable.   Slowly they’d stop calling because they couldn’t relate to me anymore, we were no longer the same. I was on my own, in more ways than one.

And when I’d meet friends and mom’s who never knew me when I was married, I was still not “one of them,” because even though I’d been married eight years, it was somehow no longer relevant. I  felt like the girl on the outside who “just doesn’t get what it’s like to be married with kids.” Being a single mom is more isolating than anyone can imagine. The isolation is deep and intense, and no one gets it, or understands, and so you just move forward… alone.  And that’s not self-pity talking, that is cold reality, and one that takes a lot of time to adjust to.

In the beginning I figured out pretty quickly how negatively society views the term single mom, it comes with so much judgment and stereotypes, something I never would have expected.  I noticed people treated me differently when I was out and about with three very small kids and no longer wearing a wedding ring. Suddenly there was shame and embarrassment as if I needed to explain to strangers why I had three babies and no wedding ring.  I even went so far as to buy a fake ring because I couldn’t deal with the humiliating way I felt people perceived me.  And when I would tell people my husband left, I’d get that pity look, like “oh no wonder.”  I hated that even more because it separated me from everyone else in a negative way.

Society, and the media have continued to portray single moms as; “baby mama’s” who will sleep with anyone, and have kids with different fathers.  In fact I was, and still am so shocked when I meet a man for the first time, and tell him I have three children, how often he asks “do your kids have different dad’s?”  It’s like, what??  It’s crazy. People also assume we are
“a hotmess”, not dependable, always making excuses, and are never home with our kids because we are always working or parting. And those are the more positive terms, others that come to mind based on the image society gives single moms, is: unstable, unfit, stressed-out, bitter, dependent, whore, needy, desperate, flaky, unmotivated, always feeling sorry for
themselves… and the list goes on. 

It took a few years for me to come to terms with this title, this label that I live with every day. But the only way I’ve been able to do that is to try and redefine it for not only myself, but my children. I refused to fall into the stereotypes that said I was “less than,”so I worked harder than everyone else I knew.  I was more dependable, more motivated.  To this day have never introduced my kids to a guy I’ve dated, in fact they have never even been around any men outside of my friends husbands, family and a few pro-athletes I’ve coached, at games.  I’ve gone above and beyond to break through these negative associations people have already in their mind about me, based on this title. I’m fiercely independent (to the point I have even paid for dates, and taken care of who I was dating instead of allowing them to do that for me). I’ve fraught hard to break the mold. And I’ve taught my children to do the same, to never think that they are “less than” because they are growing up with one parent.  Or to think that their life is not complete or their future inhibited in any way.

I’m not remotely perfect in any way, in fact I’m beautifully scared and flawed, but I won’t let anyone put labels on me that don’t belong. I won’t own and carry the mistakes of others.  Instead I hope to help clear a new path, one that shows single mom’s in a positive light. That I can help be a role-model for other newly single moms to realize they can be anything they want to be, regardless of the negative baggage that comes with this label.  You can have a successful career (and not feel ashamed of that), and just because you do, doesn’t mean you are a shitty mom or raising “latch-key-kids”.  You can still be there for your kids, take them to school, and activities, and do homework with them at night, and cook a real meal at dinner, and sing their song at bedtime.  You can keep a clean house, and take care of yourself, look good and do the 300 other things we do, alone.  Outside the view of the people who would judge us. They don’t know until they walk in our shoes, and at some point along the way I stopped caring what they thought of me. I had to instead put my energy on making my life the best it could be and redefining what that was. So now the term single mom means this to me… anything is possible.

PS. I would REALLY like to see a show on TV (reality or otherwise) that featured a successful, independent single mom with multiple kids, doing it all. Raising good, well rounded happy kids, having a successful career, pursuing her passion and finding a way to have a social life. That would make some good TV. Instead of “teen mom’s” and all that negative messy drama, show me a single mom who’s a boss! Who’s holding it down, making it happen but is still a devoted loving mom… Who’s with me on that?