In 22 Days My Life will Never Be the Same.

 

In 22 day’s my life will never be the same.

I’m laying in bed and it’s 1:30 AM, and this is the thought that flashes like a neon reader-board across my mind. Have you ever known that a specific day would change your life forever? I mean, besides your wedding day, or the scheduled birth of a child.  I knew those days would change me, and they absolutely did. But this is different.

This comes with equal parts excitement, pride, stress, anxiety and fear. Yes fear. For the last year I’ve spent every single day focused on one goal. Every, single, day, I’ve done something to get me closer to this goal.  Wether it was hours spent writing a nearly 400 page book, or just doing social media (which is basically a full-time job in its own right), I’ve worked toward this day… the one that comes on January 5th 2016, the day my book Hustle Believe Receive is released in stores nationwide. It’s the day my personal story; bare and naked, exposed and raw, is revealed to the world. There is no going back on January 6th if I suddenly decided to change my mind.  The Library of Congress will forever keep a copy of my book for christsake!

What if it was too bare? What if nobody “gets it?” Worse, what if no one show’s up to my book readings/signings, or the red carpet? Or what if they do and my throat is dry, and my knees won’t support me, and my voice shakes? What if I start crying and wreck my make-up? What if my son’s embarrassed that his friends parents know our life story? What if….? What if… I’m invisible?  

Those thoughts try to creep in at every turn. When I’m attempting to fall asleep in the wee hours of the morning, after hustelin’ all day. They beg for attention when I’m on long drives to and from Seattle for my day job.  They scream… PAY ATTENTION TO ME! FREAK OUT! Is this how everyone feels when the dream they’ve been chasing down day and night, is actually staring them down? Does it always feel this terrifying, yet thrilling at the same time?

I don’t know what will happen on, or after January 5th, but I know that it will change my life. Am I ready? I’ve tried for four years to prepare myself in every possible way. My crew is minimal, just a few close trusted friends.  The noise that had once filled my life after my divorce, is quiet. The distractions are long gone. There is a calmness in the core of me. But there is also fear.

 

I write in my book that fear is the enemy of success. I hear my own words and understand their meaning on an even deeper level now. This is the stage were many people turn back, because they allow their fear to grow bigger than their faith. And when that happens fear is definitely the enemy of success. It can destroy everything. For some, fear comes at the start of their journey.  Other’s maybe further along when big discussions need to be made that require #CourageOverFear. But for me this is the very first time in my  journey when I’ve experienced this type of fear. I understand it now. Why people quit. Not that I’ve ever ONCE considered quitting, but I can relate to that fear. I get it. I can see that if left alone, it could cripple and destroy everything you’ve worked so hard to build.

In times like these, nights when I feel so very alone, when it’s just me and my thoughts, I force myself to wage war against them. I see all those what if’s crying out some serious attention, begging panic to creep in. But I can’t let that happen, I must wage a mental war. The motto I say all day, every day these last few months is: “EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK. NO MATTER WHAT, IT’S GOING TO BE OK.” I know this to be true, I trust it completely.

This is why we must know exactly what we want. I’ve known with explicit detail exactly what I have been working toward at each step in this journey, and every step has played out better than I planned.  That’s not to say that it played out exactly how, or when, I’d planned, but nonetheless. There have of course been disappointments and setbacks along the way, and those I expected.  Even still this has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my entire life; being a single mom of three with no support system to speak of, interviewing over 50 successful people and writing a 400 page book, all while holding down a full-time corporate job and traveling non-stop for work.  But my #BigPictureDream was clear from the start, and that is what kept me going, and it’s exactly what I’ve manifested thus far. So I know this next part will too, I trust it. I believe it fully. I WANT IT. I want it more than I’ve wanted anything. More than money, more than a relationship, more than anything (besides my babies obviously), this is what I want. Even when I’m scared, this is still what I want.

I pray every night for Grace. I pray that I am ready. I pray that God/the Universe, uses me in a positive way to help people change their lives the way I’ve been able to change mine. That is what keeps me going no matter what, the belief that this is part of a plan far bigger than me, one I hope I can do justice.

What would you do, if you knew your life would be forever changed in 22 days?